Unthwartable

"Who are you?"


I waited.

"What makes you so good, huh?"

Still nothing

"JUST TELL ME WHY THE F*** I SHOULD TRUST YOU!"

There was only the sound of the engine struggling up the asphalt and the unnatural silence that inevitably responds when you scream at the dashboard and honestly expect an answer. And my white, angry knuckles gripped the wheel still tighter while my brain ran hot and furious as the engine under my heavy-footed management of the gas pedal.
No, if you couldn't guess, I don't like to trust.
Don't even get me started about trusting. Ugh, trust this and trust that seems plastered on the world like a tacky ex-girlfriend tattoo. We have trust circles and trust falls and trust building exercises where we all hold hands and sing kumbayah. And we trust our friends who invariably let us down. And we trust our special someone to be our warm and fuzzy forever, which invariably falls apart. And we trust that the earth is round and that spring will come and that the sun will rise tomorrow -- which despite it's track record gives no guarantee. And we trust our heads and we trust our hearts and how the frick does that help us trust?
No, I really don't like to trust.
Which brought us to that moment in the middle of rush hour with me swearing like a fiend at the dash board which I knew wasn't listening but was pretty sure God was so I guess that's who I was really swearing at in the middle of 270 with bumper-to-bumper traffic and a scowl fit to break a mirror.

In the four years that I've known God and especially now in the four months since I've been walking with Him, He has never made any demand on my heart harder than this:
"Trust Me."

"F*** NO! ARE YOU KIDDING, GOD? You know I don't trust!"

"Trust Me."

"Yeah? Why should I? Have You seen my life recently?"

"Trust Me."

"Uh, hello, do You know where I'm at? I'm lonely and empty and desperate and what have You done? Look at all this that You, You took away. See him? Yeah, I thought it was love. See her? Yeah, she walked out too. See them? I trusted them with everything, and you called them away. See that? Yeah, that mess in the mirror? That's me. Damn...who's gonna want that?"

"Trust Me."

"And who are You? Who are You that I want to trust? I don't want to be empty again and again. Please no. Not again."

"Trust Me."

"No, I can't, God I can't."

"Trust Me."

No I won't, God not with this."

"Trust Me."

By this time my refusal came out on the breath of a whimper. "Please no." But the silence stared back without sympathy. I grew cold and clutched the wheel like a life preserver, my last grasp on reality. And He waited there in the front seat beside me, patient and quiet till I'd worn myself out. And He waited still longer as I spent another 12 hours in mortal existence. And then He still kept on waiting until I sat at a computer keyboard and vented my fears in times new roman. And He's here, standing beside me, above me, around me, under me, through me, with me. With me and I'm not alone. And He's saying the same thing I heard all day, gentle and soothing as to a wounded animal or frightened child. And I cling to His legs and say "Daddy, there's something under my bed." Not because something's there, but just so He'll look and say, "It's ok, you're safe." Because sometimes all I need is that "you're safe."

"And God, I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe, I feel scared."

And that's when He takes me by the shoulders, stares right into my eyes, and says, "I promise you're safe. I'm holding you now, and I promise I'm not letting go."

"Oh, but God, God, it hurts sometimes. Life hurts sometimes, and I just don't know. Why can't I know? Why did I have to go through that and that? And that, and that other thing, God, why would You let that happen to me? Why can't you just show me what You're doing here so I know?"

And He looks in my eyes and says, "Trust Me."

And I close my eyes tight because I think I might cry. And I know I don't have a choice.

"Who are You? Who am I trusting?"

"I am the Way, follow Me and take my hand. And I am the Truth, embrace Me and you'll understand. And I am the Life, and though Me you'll live again. For I am Love. I am Love. I am Love...

...And yes, I am worth trusting."


"Then Job replied to the Lord:
“I know that you can do all things;
No purpose of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me to know."